Why it’s hard to make decisions (part 1): Fear of choosing “wrong”
In this series, I want to share the psychological reasons behind why it’s hard to make decisions. These are based on my experience and learnings as a therapist. In this first post, I want to explore the fear of making the wrong decision.
Early messages of “right” and “wrong”
Growing up, most of us learn that some things are “right” and other things are “wrong”. Consider this fictional example: Mary received a B-graded Maths test at school. When she told her parents about this, she could clearly see their disappointment in her results. Subconsciously, Mary learnt that receiving less than A-grade is “wrong”. She also felt guilt and disappointment to herself, for disappointing her parents — these are the emotional consequences of being “wrong”, albeit unintended.
When emotions are internalised or avoided
Feelings of guilt, disappointment, etc are hard to be with. If Mary didn’t learn about how normal these emotions are, and how to ride through them, she might end up internalising these emotions or avoiding them altogether.
The action of internalising (“I’m bad”, “I’m wrong”, “I’m a disappointment”) or avoiding emotions could then affect Mary’s decision-making capacities.
In the case of internalising, Mary might lose confidence in herself and her decisions, as she continues to hold beliefs such as “I’m wrong”, which can then lead to “I’m wrong, hence I shouldn’t be tasked with making decisions, because those decisions will be wrong too”.
Whereas in the case of avoiding, Mary might think that there is one “right” decision, although she may not realise that “right” in her internal dictionary means: “least likely to invoke certain feelings such as guilt and disappointment”. The “right” decision might not be very clear, as it’s not always easy to predict the emotional consequences of certain decisions.
In either case, Mary starts to find it difficult to make decisions for fear of choosing the “wrong” one. She might also find that the decisions she chose from either framework don’t end up feeling aligned for her. This continues her cycle of self-doubt around decision-making.
Awareness exercises for those struggling with fear of making the wrong decision
Now, I’d like to provide some awareness exercises if you find yourself getting caught in fear of making the wrong decision.
Exercise #1: Identify the belief
Ask yourself: “if I make the wrong decision, what does that say about me?”
Now, fill in the blanks: “It means I’m… [example: bad, wrong, incapable]”
Exercise #2: Identify the possible emotional consequences
Ask yourself: “if I make the wrong decision, what kind of emotions do I need to face?”
Now, fill in the blanks: "I’ll feel… [example: guilty, disappointed, sad, angry]”
Awareness is the first step towards being more decisive
While you might not overcome the fear of making the wrong decisions instantly after being aware of the reasons, you’re already taking the first step towards being more decisive.
As you learn about the driving forces behind your decisions and indecisiveness, you can start to explore the alternatives.
Hopefully this article provides some insights into why it’s hard to make decisions. If you’d like a supportive space to learn to be more decisive and reclaim your self-trust, therapy can help.
And stay tuned for part 2 of this series :)
