“Why is my teen shy?” is a question often wondered by parents of shy teens.
Sensitivity researcher Elaine Aron found that 15-20% of the population are naturally more sensitive than others. Your shy teen may be one of them.
For Highly Sensitive People (HSP), the world seems to have more contour than what is experienced by non-HSPs. The lights are brighter and more in their eyes. The sounds are louder and more in their ears. The textures in clothes are felt more on their skin.
And this also includes social situations: the number of people around are more apparent and possibly more overwhelming. The unfamiliar faces are more visible and perhaps unsettling. It makes sense that it would take time for shy teens to ease into social situations and familiarise themselves with new people.
This heightened sensitivity is actually an evolutionary function. During the hunter-gatherer phase of human evolution, the sensitive members of the tribe are the ones most in tune with their direct environment. They sense remedy as well as danger before anyone else. It was a helpful and necessary gift to the community, and it still is — we can learn a lot from shy, sensitive teens.
In taking their time to get to know new people and new environments, shy and sensitive teens can teach us how to be cautious. They can teach us about the gradual process of building trust. And they can teach us about the stability inherent in small steps, as they learn how to step out of their comfort zone, one small step after another.
Supporting shy teens to continue growing their comfort zone
A common worry I hear from parents of shy teens is: “what if my shy teen stays stuck in their comfort zone?”. I understand the concern, and there is a way to be helpful in supporting them to keep growing their comfort zone.
But first, I want to tackle a common approach used by well-meaning parents: pushing their shy teen right into the deep end. While this approach may work wonderfully for teenagers with certain traits, it might not be the most suitable for shy and sensitive teens. The reason is because they have a sensitive nervous system, and pushing them right into the deep end may get their nervous system into haywire.
Instead, what may work better for their nervous system is a gentle, gradual push. A question such as “what might be the next smallest step that you could take in this moment?”, or an invitation like “I’ll be here for you whenever you’re ready to attempt that scary thing, however small your step might look like” tells your shy teen that it’s okay to move slowly and gradually at their own pace, while still supporting them to grow their edges.
As the saying goes: slow and steady wins the race :)
