This is a question often asked by parents of shy teens, whether privately or outwardly.
In this article, I want to address this question from the perspective of a counsellor whose specialty is working with shy teens.
Sensitivity: A natural way of being
“Shy”, “quiet”, “sensitive” are some terms commonly used to describe certain traits, and it is more often used in a negative connotation. However, research by Elaine Aron found that 15-20% of the human population naturally has this trait, and it is also naturally the case in other species.
Elaine Aron termed an acronym to summarise the 4 key characteristics of this trait: DOES.
D — Depth of processing
O — Overstimulation
E — Emotional reactivity & empathy
S — Sensing the subtle
Let’s look at the usual approach of building confidence, as compared to an alternative approach that works better for shy teens.
Why “get him/her out of their shell” doesn’t work for shy teens
In our current culture, the shy & sensitive trait is highly misunderstood. It is often thought that shy teens just need to “get out of their shell” or “jump to the deep end”, which might actually end up backfiring. This is because “jumping to the deep end” doesn’t align with the inherent characteristics of shy teens.
Shy teens’ baseline level of arousal is already high due to their depth of processing. Forcing them to “jump to the deep end” when they are not ready is highly likely to cause further overstimulation to their nervous system. Furthermore, their emotional reactivity and ability to sense subtlety would drive their sensitive nervous system into haywire in these situations.
So, what might be the alternative approach?
How to work alongside the shy & sensitive trait
Rather than forcing shy teens to get out of their shell, there is another way of working that fits better with this innate trait: a gentle 1:1 support which allows time for the shy teen to get to know the other person.
The goal of this approach is to replace a sense of “being flawed”, self-doubt, and low self-esteem (all common occurrences for shy teens, as they are deeply misunderstood) to a sense of self-understanding, self-trust, and self-worth. It naturally builds self-confidence and allows shy teens to flourish in their own way.
This is the way I work with shy teens, as I believe that an approach tailored to this innate trait and personalised for each teen is what would work best and what would be most enjoyable for the shy teen to experience.
If you would like to explore how I could gently support your shy and sensitive teen, feel free to schedule a 20-minute complimentary call.
